i miss you. i'm extremely, officially missing you. want to find you but i dont know if you want to see me. dont sound overdefeated because if we're truly in love, fight for us, fight with me, because i'm really trying very hard but you're not with me. i'm not giving up, baby. please.

rmb me.

maybe if i die, too, you might notice me more? even if you dont want me back, at least you will rmb that special me who designed your redbook, the one who would go anywhere for you, with you, do anything with you. the one whom you'll do the dadumdeedum hugs to and you'd spin me ard and round till i give up, squat on the floor. i love you, i really really love you.

five

it's five in the morning, i havent slept, not even a wink.

i miss you, i need you, i thought i wanted you, but no i needed you.

havent slept the past few nights, i want to sleep because i dont want to have dark eye rings looking ugly if i ever see you again. but i really cant slp, and i cant eat. my weight's going down, and my eyes are tired staring at our photos flickering as i tap and tap repeatedly on my touchpad. my fingers are starting to ache, too. when will i be able to stop behaving like this, when will you be able to come to me and halt my fingers, close my eyelids, kiss me on the forehead and cuddle me to sleep?

i kept listening and listening to the songs i've recorded for you, the songs which i've had gathered enough courage to record, just for you, because what if, what if you cheekily ask to hear my singing again, and i want it to be perfect to you, i just want it to be perfect to you. i want to be perfect to you.

i would do anything. i will be waiting. the last words in your message are forever engraved in my heart.

couldnt slp, couldnt eat. i have been having a really terrible time, are you doing fine?

omgoodness, i'm so angry, so angry.

everything is seperate issue from the other. "you" may not be a particular person throughout. may mean my MUM, my EX FRIEND, my ..RAH.

i just have to get rid of everything in my throbbing head now.

so angry, i wanted to escape somewhere. since i reckon nobody will read this properly.

NUMBER ONE. why must you not buy shoes from See&Kay just because i am a freaking tiny salesgirl thr?!?!? i dont earn you know haha are you crazy??????are you anot, ARE YOU!?

NUMBER TWO. isnt it too coincidental? okay okay. wena says freakshow.

NUMBER THREE. YOU- STOP CALLING ME. YOU ARE READING THIS I KNOW.

NUMBER FOUR. YOU STOP MISUNDERSTANDING ME CAN ANOT. CAN ANOT. I EVEN PREPARED BAG for myself AND A LETTER FOR YOU BUT I DIDNT DARE TO RUN AWAY BECAUSE GRANDMA HANDED ME A TISSUE PAPER. i realise i'll miss her.

NUMBER FIVE.

NUMBER SIX. i didnt step out of home for about four five days. and you can be so angry about me going out for three four hours today, and i was supposed to go nus ALONE- not shopping okay??!??! WHAT IS THIS AM I GROUNDED FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE HUR?

NUMBER SEVEN.

NUMBER EIGHT BROKE THE LAST STRAW.

wahliew eh. i give up.

smth that cannot stop me from crying

i had nothing to do. i finished one whole drama series Down with Love starring Jerry Yan and Ella. then i decided to read through my old blog archives from the start, April 2008. i stopped when i saw a link that i posted very long time ago.

it was a really average blog from an average girl.
she rants about her job, dedicates thanks to her family and declaring her love for her boyfriend who was serving NS then.

nothing much, just plain and cute.
but i realise, her every post, no matter how sad, how joyous, she would include her boyfriend inside- "i miss you boyfriend! i love you/ went out with boyfriend..."
they are a really cute couple.

read halfway, from her archive Jan 07 to June 08.

i just had to cry seriously.
her boyfriend died, suddenly.
afterwards her every post, can create goosebumps on my arms-honestly.
her sadness and grief permeate into every word she typed, to herself, to her boyfriend- the way she celebrated their anniversary alone/ the soulmate who has already died and left her, taking with him all her hopes and dreams they created together before.


"Baby how's everything up above?
I know you must have become
the popular kid, that's why you
don't have time to come to my dream . . .
i'll wait patiently my dear, take your time.

It's cruelly funny, everything around me is reminding me of you.
When i go to the mall, i remembered you going with me,
when i walk the familiar path to you house,
it reminded me of you running towards me,
giving me hugs and kisses,
when i think of the pool, i remembered us swimming,
when i'm eating i feel the urge to feed you.

I go to you house, go out with my friends,
i felt fine, i laughed, i chat.
But it's awfully painful when everything has to end,
i felt empty, i felt forlorn, i'm drained of happiness.
I'm happy to see my friends in love, treasuring,
but it kills me to think that you're not with me . . .
It's especially difficult when the sky turn dark.
I stare blankly at the mobile, jumped every time it ring,
i wish it was from you . . .
I wait for the never coming goodnight message,
and ended crying myself to sleep.

Everyone is telling me to move on,
i hate the phrase 'moving on'
I hate the thought of me drifting
further and further away from you.
I fear forgetting your smiles, i fear forgetting you touch,
i fear forgetting your warmth, i fear forgetting your smell,
i fear forgetting your voice . . . i'm afraid baby.
I don't want to leave you behind in the past.
I want you to be my present and future.
can i keep you with me baby?
Can you please come back . . . .
I'll give up my everything to have you come back,
i really will.

Time heals all wound, as time passes people will get
tired of it, some will forget,
some will never talk about it anymore.
It'll all be buried in the heart.

A combination of family love, peer pressure and pride
means that i have to be strong, deal with it,
and move on to be a better person.

I really want to be that superwoman.
You will help me won't you?

I wonder what if i am the one who died,
how would you have handled things. . . .

Baby i miss you,
i miss you so so so much,
did you know?

Baby,
Isn't it funny,
I find myself texting to you unknowingly.
I called you the other day, only to get the
machine replying. . .
I board the bus and train,
always leaving an empty seat beside me,
and then realise it's no longer necessary . . .
You're always in my thoughts,
Whenever i eat, i question if you've eaten.
Whenever i looked at something i like,
i question if you'll like them as well.
I went to have Sushi the other day
with mich, aug and karen.
As much as i don't like the Egg Sushi,
i ate it on your behalf, the thought of us
having sushi almost every alternate week
saddended me. . .
It's not going to be this way,
anymore. "


it taught me something- to cherish the ones i love before everything is too late, because anything can happen, maybe to myself or even to the most unexpected ones whom i have already unknowingly scripted in my future.

hahaha!

joke of the day: yesterday i totally forgot how my message tone sounded like until sj smsed me at 10:26pm! i was like, eh! what's that sound ah?? HAHAHA! what a joke. i'm a joke.


i've never been so excluded in my life b
efore. ever ever.
A wordplay, a play with atmosphere, mood and tone. a joke.
An abandoned solitas atmosphere
No mood for any other contact even though i might-
Tone. i want to hear your voice.

I wake in the morning tired of sleeping
Get in the shower and make my bed alone
Look at myself in the mirror
Ready for a new day without you.
But when i think i'm alright i'm always wrong.

Sometimes when i wake, i see them reaching out for you
Quietly breaking whatever shields i spent so long building up
I cannot fake because when they cry i am unspoken
They miss holding my baby.

My hands, only agree to hold
Your hands, no, they dont want to be without
Your hands, and they will not let me go.
I really really miss you,terribly.

i think i'm insomniac, help?

i'm crazily in love with mark shaun ng.

happy five months and sixteen days.

i think i need sleeping pills. i need attention.

record breaking, my life's gonna change.

WOAH OMG FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE, I TOLD MY MUM I HAVE A BOYFRIEND.

I HAVE A BOYFRIEND.

quit my job, back to blogging

I MISS SCHOOL. like what pris said, the best times happened in jc1. i miss 33a too. when can a 33a chalet happen without everyone having cliquey instincts and repelling specific people?

anyway, i've been stuck at home with family these days due to being grounded as and when my mum likes. kinda lonely and becoming some fat ass couch potato[i just spelt it as popato HAHAHAHAHA] indulging in terrible gore movies that i'm starting to get used to - sawII and III, slightly gore but awesome tv dramas like criminal minds, FRINGE II(Y), csi ny, and boring movies like up in the air, g.i.joe, hurt locket.

if you add up the duration you might figure i could have had my breakfast lunch dinner on the sofa, did my business on my sofa. HAHHAHAHAHAH

ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh and i miss all my friends. where are you?!?!?!

and whr's julia!!!! JULIA SOETRISNO YOU HAVE TO PLAN OUR NEXT 118 MEETING IF NOT WE'LL NV MEET AGAIN. AHAHAHAHHAHA

i know, can tell i'm damn bored.
I AM BORED. during As i thought of so many crazy ass things to do for hols but when i'm having hols now it seems as though i have nothing to do!!!!


anyway, i think the guy on the left is damn cute. HAHAHAHAHA funny.

imma blog about 118's sleepover at my place + shopping in the cheapest places once i receive photos from pris :D btw, it was AWESOME.
for now, i'm going off for a shopping date with my shopping buddy boyfie :D :D wooooooooooooooooooo