learning to love myself.

i like this photo a lot, because i've never looked so happy in.. so long. too long.

too many people have told me i look so haggard, i seem tired, i'm reduced to exhaustion.

yea,miss my old self too.

i realised i used to blog often, but i stopped. i also realised that blogging then, made me feel accomplished, or satisfied in a way because i always have something to say about my life, that's meaningful/funny or even retarded. but the fact is that it's worth blogging, no matter the spastic-ness. hence it's a sign of celebratory of life, which i lost long time ago. now, i'm going to retrieve it.

i realised i've been slouching since a month ago. since young i've always walked straight up, because i'm too short. slouching would make it worse, and by sitting up straight, standing upright, give me confidence. hence probably that's where i got my 40% confidence all my life. my eyes became ridiculously droopy, most probably due to the insomnia i had the past month. and i realised i'm starting to have slight body acne, which i never ever had before. that's when i got scared. i was going down. i'm going to be reduced to anything but confidence and energy. anything but Joey.

honestly i'm freaked out. drugs cant do miracles. i wake up with nightmares. nightmares-ironically these were supposed to be the best dreams. me, back in september 09, being spun round and round, being pinched by the nose lightly, tickled and chin being lifted up numerous times to be kissed.

i never knew it's this hard. nobody knew i would take it so harshly. i didnt know too.

someone who knows me the most, told me straight in the face- you dont look joey at all. just look at you, you're not you. you're not pretty when you're not you. your eyes, they look so weird. eee, so small. where are your bright big eyes? smile. bubbly, that's you. not this.

thank you shonu shona bel wena anvy pris ching dajie alina vera cher ade julia keliang wl jh murph xy by zack dm teresa

bestie thank you for every single thing. for letting me rely on you. for being there for me. thank you for letting me divert smses that were meant for him to you. thank you for listening. thank you for not giving up on me. thank you for the very first message that you want to pass to me. for being nice to me.

and mummy

she says," i know you sound strong, girl, but your heart is bleeding. i bleed for you."

and my tears wouldnt stop flowing.

Please teach me how to love myself so that i can stop hurting those around me. because that someone i bleed for is loving himself in order to stop hurting me.

was i the worst girlfriend in the world