i had nothing to do. i finished one whole drama series Down with Love starring Jerry Yan and Ella. then i decided to read through my old blog archives from the start, April 2008. i stopped when i saw a link that i posted very long time ago.
it was a really average blog from an average girl.
she rants about her job, dedicates thanks to her family and declaring her love for her boyfriend who was serving NS then.
nothing much, just plain and cute.
but i realise, her every post, no matter how sad, how joyous, she would include her boyfriend inside- "i miss you boyfriend! i love you/ went out with boyfriend..."
they are a really cute couple.
read halfway, from her archive Jan 07 to June 08.
i just had to cry seriously.
her boyfriend died, suddenly.
afterwards her every post, can create goosebumps on my arms-honestly.
her sadness and grief permeate into every word she typed, to herself, to her boyfriend- the way she celebrated their anniversary alone/ the soulmate who has already died and left her, taking with him all her hopes and dreams they created together before.
"Baby how's everything up above?
I know you must have become
the popular kid, that's why you
don't have time to come to my dream . . .
i'll wait patiently my dear, take your time.
It's cruelly funny, everything around me is reminding me of you.
When i go to the mall, i remembered you going with me,
when i walk the familiar path to you house,
it reminded me of you running towards me,
giving me hugs and kisses,
when i think of the pool, i remembered us swimming,
when i'm eating i feel the urge to feed you.
I go to you house, go out with my friends,
i felt fine, i laughed, i chat.
But it's awfully painful when everything has to end,
i felt empty, i felt forlorn, i'm drained of happiness.
I'm happy to see my friends in love, treasuring,
but it kills me to think that you're not with me . . .
It's especially difficult when the sky turn dark.
I stare blankly at the mobile, jumped every time it ring,
i wish it was from you . . .
I wait for the never coming goodnight message,
and ended crying myself to sleep.
Everyone is telling me to move on,
i hate the phrase 'moving on'
I hate the thought of me drifting
further and further away from you.
I fear forgetting your smiles, i fear forgetting you touch,
i fear forgetting your warmth, i fear forgetting your smell,
i fear forgetting your voice . . . i'm afraid baby.
I don't want to leave you behind in the past.
I want you to be my present and future.
can i keep you with me baby?
Can you please come back . . . .
I'll give up my everything to have you come back,
i really will.
Time heals all wound, as time passes people will get
tired of it, some will forget,
some will never talk about it anymore.
It'll all be buried in the heart.
A combination of family love, peer pressure and pride
means that i have to be strong, deal with it,
and move on to be a better person.
I really want to be that superwoman.
You will help me won't you?
I wonder what if i am the one who died,
how would you have handled things. . . .
Baby i miss you,
i miss you so so so much,
did you know?
Baby,
Isn't it funny,
I find myself texting to you unknowingly.
I called you the other day, only to get the
machine replying. . .
I board the bus and train,
always leaving an empty seat beside me,
and then realise it's no longer necessary . . .
You're always in my thoughts,
Whenever i eat, i question if you've eaten.
Whenever i looked at something i like,
i question if you'll like them as well.
I went to have Sushi the other day
with mich, aug and karen.
As much as i don't like the Egg Sushi,
i ate it on your behalf, the thought of us
having sushi almost every alternate week
saddended me. . .
It's not going to be this way,
anymore. "
it taught me something- to cherish the ones i love before everything is too late, because anything can happen, maybe to myself or even to the most unexpected ones whom i have already unknowingly scripted in my future.
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